Healing to Happy - a widow's voice
In August of 2012, my best friend and husband transitioned - I really want to say, left me! However, I can truly say that much of the trauma is behind me, as I experienced the darkest night of the soul that I ever have. So here I am, navigating life as I lean on the Lord and learning to be self sufficient.
|Posted by spiritgifts on March 16, 2017 at 12:35 AM||comments (0)|
Death gives notice
Willie was quite aware of his coming transition. Several things, especially in hindsight have convinced me. First there was his class reunion months before his death, in which he informed me he was using the opportunity to make amends with two former girlfriends. This I understood. However, it was the door that opened as a result that led to the second occurrence. One particular ex-girlfriend used this opportunity to renew her relationship with Willie! Prior to this, I hadn't snooped on my husband in over 20 years of marriage. The struggle I had with my jealousy and anger was foreign to us both! I know now that my spirit too anticipated that our life together was coming to an end' I didn't know what was wrong with me! I'd never in my life went through the measures I did to break into his phone, his email, his Facebook - anything private to him!
The third incident happened when our air conditioning went out and the repairman had the huge vent open in the floor. As I walked down the hall, I slipped in; almost to my waist. I'll never forget the look on Willie's face as looked at me and emphasized each word as he said, "I need you to take care of yourself".
The final occurrence was after his death, and it was the letter I found on his notepad on his nightstand. You can read it here.
So, would I have done anything different if I knew his death was impending? I'd like to think that I wouldn't have wasted precious time arguing. Also, I would have made his doctors test for blood clots. I would have also insisted that he share his full list of ailments with me; Willie withheld much of his medical issues from me.
|Posted by spiritgifts on February 3, 2016 at 5:45 PM||comments (0)|
Loosing your voice
They say you loose your voice, that it catches in your throat when you are startled. Outside of the screams that resulted from my newly experienced PTSD, I had nothing to say. It was not only my voice. I've learned Willie's death actually triggered a deep depression along with the PTSD, and oh yeah, anxiety. So along with sitting in this new identity of widowhood, single, unmarried - or whatever, I became ashamed of my reaction to death.
Many times I'd convinced myself that I was better to make others feel better, but all I was doing was delaying and stuffing. I thank God for the freedom that has come with embracing my transitions the best way I can!
|Posted by spiritgifts on October 4, 2009 at 7:30 PM||comments (0)|
Safe to Grieve, or Is Enough, Enough?
I'll neverr forget Juwan, and I've learned to redirect my thoughts from reliving the murder over and over again. I keep him alive through the scholarship that I've helped establish and I meditate while creating jewelry pieces. I want this part of my journey to be over, but a song, another young man his age, MY sister - all bring the jarring knowledge that Juwan is no longer here.
I will be proactive. I will not stuff these feelings. I will redirect the feelings for the good of others. I am not the only person who has had a family member murdered. I will reach out to others. Whew! that's all I can do for now.:)